My journey from faith to atheism

I might have a unique perspective because I was pretty heavily involved in the church earlier in my life, and my faith had a profound impact on me throughout my later teens up through my early 30's, but now I find myself totally turned off and would categorize myself as an atheist.  Growing up I was very sickly and really struggled with pneumonia and illnesses so I really felt like I was going to live a very short life, and not that great of one.  As soon as I tasted the Manna from heaven and started reading the Bible and learning all I could from Christian teachers, I was hooked.  I moved off to college and quickly joined The Navigators (a college focused ministry at the time) and it helped shape my next entire decade.  After college I got heavily involved with a small local church made friends and led Bible studies and started pursuing other places I could serve.

At the time, for me, my faith seemed to answer the question I thought I was asking in the first portion of my life, namely what is the point of living, especially when life appears to be very short and has the challenges I have, and is there any reason to hope that there is something better than this that awaits me?  My walk with Jesus gave me the comfort of having a purpose in this life, and a promised future beyond this life that will be much better than this one.  I thought that was all I was asking and all I was needing, and for the better part of 15 years, it was enough.

But, I kept living and I seemed to be more getting stable in my ability to avoid bad illnesses and pneumonia.  My life no longer seemed to be ending anytime soon, and I started wanting more with my time here.  I wanted things and prayed for things that my God seemed to be deliberately keeping me from.  Things like a career, a wife, a family, things that other people just naturally fell into.  It took several years, but slowly my faith was starting to wane, especially as I dabbled in some of the fun things this life has to offer, things that were forbidden when a follower of Jesus.  Let's just say I waited until my 30s to really start living and to sow my wild oats and it hasn't ended yet :-)

I have tried off and on throughout the years since to try to recapture and get back into the faith I once held, but my entire being rejects it now, almost like an allergic reaction.  I know all the answers that anyone ever tries to give me, and I have heard nothing new under the sun that piques my interest to dive back into Scripture.  And now, with politics being so intertwined in the mix (which I personally find abhorrent and totally against what Jesus teaches), I am driven further and further away from ever reconsidering where I find myself.

Am I happier now?  Yes and no.  I am lonelier now, I don't have that friend I can talk to at any moment now, and when terrible things happen I don't have an outlet or a connection to something higher than myself that has the power to change things.  I have to rely on myself more and in some ways that gives me agency and focus which are certainly positive traits to have, and it makes me feel good knowing that I can do this on my own.  But which one would I choose if I could just snap my fingers and make it happen?  If I had to be honest, I would probably choose to go back to the faith.  Unfortunately, faith isn't something you can just turn back on, believe me I have tried.

December 31, 2019

On December 31, 2019 I felt a little dread.  I knew deep down that there was no way 2020 was going to be good, comparatively.  See, 2019 was the absolute best year of my memorable life.  I experienced things, learned things, and felt things I thought were too much of a dream to ever come true.  But they did, mostly contained within the 12 months of 2019 (okay, some fell somewhat outside the bounds and actually happened in 2018, but who's counting?), and something was nagging at me as I watched the crowds gather in Times Square and seeing all the hopeful faces looking forward to this magical thought of the 2020 year of our Lord.

When I was young, 10, 20, 30 years in the past, there seemed to be something mesmerizing about the very rounded-sounding 2020 that not just I sensed.  One of my best friends growing up, who had a much more aggressive form of muscular dystrophy than I, felt an even stronger draw as he looked to the future.  He told me, the grandiose dreamer that he was, that he was going to run for president this year.  Unfortunately, he died long before that even became a remote possibility for him, but kudos to him for thinking big.

This year was nuts, there really isn't any other way to describe it.  I'm one of the vulnerable ones for whom this disease, COVID-19, presents a particularly challenging journey for.  I've been through some bad flus which nearly did me in, so in some ways I know even if it grabbed hold of me pretty hard I would have a fighting chance to come out the other side, but this was not particularly the battle I wanted to have at this point in my life.  Thankfully, I have avoided it thus far but oh the crazy way we got to where we are now.  The details are not important save this one thought which I can't stop thinking about.

As a collective whole, the human race, when they were financially and physically able to do so, decided to slow down everything for pretty much the entire year.  This was done in order to attempt to minimize the carnage and death that would befall the "vulnerable" populations of the world had we just went about our business and let the chips fall where they may.  Being one of the "vulnerable" I was very gracious and appreciative of the sacrifice the rest of society was making for me.  As I slowly watched the coronavirus make its way to the US in January and February, I started to venture out less and less and I started to take precautions around the house to prepare for an extended quarantine.  I even contemplated reducing the number of people I rely on to take care of me on a daily basis in order to minimize my risk and potential exposure.  It was early in the 2nd week of March when I feared that we were about to be hit really really hard and I was planning an escape with one of my aides to try to ride it out just with him somewhere in the deep South so I could have more options to not be indoors so much.

Then, the world took an entire left turn I did not expect was possible.  For an illness that did not target babies, and was seemingly easy going on teenagers and anyone under 50 without comorbidities, I honestly did not expect America to take steps anywhere close to what was going on in Italy and Spain.  But, we actually tried, sort of half-assed if you ask any Italian who lived through their quarantine, and for about 4 straight weeks even our federal government was 100% committed to this goal.  So, I stayed put, hunkered down, and did like everyone else, I stayed home.  And I've been home pretty much since then.

But what I can't get out of my mind is the sacrifice that I still feel is being shared amongst the populace in order to still try to protect me.  When states started to buckle, and our president was publicly working against the actual written and discussed goal of his administration (tweeting "Liberate Michigan", as you may recall), I understood the anger and angst of those who just want to run their business and/or spend the night out at the bar with all of their friends.  I selfishly was worried that we would quickly open everything up and I would be back to the starting point of where I was in early March.  

Was that wrong of me?  Haven't these people done enough in order to try to save me?  Could I possibly ask even more of them?  Do I deserve it?  Should perhaps this be the disease to thin out the herd and reduce the population of those who are a financial drain on the system?  Is that my self-loathing and poor self image of myself being an individual with disabilities who doesn't contribute as much, seemingly, to society as some of my peers, or am I just being honest with the way the world has worked for eons and how most pandemics do just that.  We, in this late stage of organized society and evolved thinking where humans feel that we can overcome anything if we just set our minds to it, have tried with all of the strength we've been able to muster to try to control, mitigate, and invent our way out of this, with varying success and lots of visible failures.  But, I get it, people are done, and even though I would like to see us locked down for another 4 months I know it's not realistic.  I feel guilty for even wanting us to do it.

So, to all of human society I say `thank you for trying this hard for me, I greatly appreciate it.  I'm still here on December 31, 2020, so your efforts have succeeded so far.'

Perhaps if we can get our heads out of our asses we can get the vaccinations much faster into the arms of those who desperately need them, and I for one am looking forward to the day when I can get mine.

So, am I more hopeful sitting here on December 31, 2020 than I was 366 days ago?  ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY!

I think we're going to learn the wrong lessons from the Trump presidency

Now that, thankfully, it's all over but for the shouting, it's time to look back and truly observe the strange long journey America just endured.  I want to start with a premise of which I would hope most could agree with: America has many real problems that are not being addressed by our federal government, and whether Democrats or Republicans are in charge, nothing fundamental ever positively changes in the lives of the average citizen.  I'm not talking ideological issues, hot button issues, or conservative/liberal ways of seeing things, but actual concrete problems many of us face which have yet to be addressed by anyone, like good paying desirable jobs, appropriate taxation, infrastructure, fixed roadways, 100 year old water pipes replaced, paid sick leave, quality health care and healthcare coverage that makes sense, good schools, affordable higher education, paid maternity/paternity leave, childcare options, and the promise of being taken care of when we get old.  Sure, each party promises to fix a subset of these concerns each and every election, but when it's their turn to drive, the other side simply blocks every attempt to get anything lasting signed into law.

Washington doesn't work anymore, and the people are growing tired of the dysfunction.

To somewhat answer this angst, felt by many, along comes a political outsider with the name recognition and uncontrollable tongue and twitter fingers to start a revolution.  Very few recognized it for what it was, but once it wiped out every other Republican contender and set its sights on at least making a somewhat favorable showing in the general, more and more concerned citizens started responding to its siren song.  From a disappointedly headlined convention in Cleveland, to some very strange attacks on a war hero from Arizona and some awkward moments with Billy Bush, emerged a force to be reckoned with.  He seemed poised to be in the ideal situation to perhaps tackle some of these real issues since he is his own man and comes in without owing favors to some wealthy aristocrats, without the need to kowtow to politics or getting bogged down with party infighting or ideological hangups.  Even Dave Chapelle, while deeply disappointed in the person America chose to represent us to the world, had a sense that at least the opportunity was there for him to shake things up, potentially for the good.  Most others on the left couldn't even give him that much, but no matter because some of them would certainly come around if the outcome Trump was seeking turned out to be a beneficial lifting of all Americans.

Sadly, this was not meant to be.  He doubled down on the misogyny, the racist dog whistles, the immigrant bashing, and the laserlike focus on enriching himself and his rich friends.  And then the presidency went off the rails.

Fast forward to the fall of 2017.  With much more hyperbole on both sides, still the federal government somewhat worked like normal with each side giving and taking just enough to, in their minds, position their party for gains in the midterms.  But when it came to passing a funding resolution to pay for the first real budget put forth by the Republican majority, something started to buckle and a disturbance in the force was felt across this great land.  By all accounts, the budget that passed earlier was a gift to corporate America, and enshrined tax cuts for the wealthy while slashing ordinary deductions middle-class Americans were accustomed to.  It also increased the budget for the military while cutting programs geared toward the poor, but importantly didn't include any earmarked funds for Trump's border wall, and the fight for that was teed up and ready to go.

The way I remember it is this: after months of Trump bashing illegals, Mexicans, and pretty much every other brown person not born and raised in the states (and even some who were), the question of what to do about The Dreamers was forefront on many political minds.  Trump decided that they weren't real Americans and should be classified with all the other illegals to potentially be deported.  It was assumed Obama fixed this problem with the DACA executive action, but the administration found a way to get it overturned in federal court.  All of this is in the minds of the Democrats when the negotiations start, and the conventional wisdom forced them to make a stand to prove to the Latino community that their concerns are front and center in the Democratic Party (hoping, of course, for their great support in the upcoming midterms and 2020 election).  Certainly, "The Wall" had to be the big sticking point for the Latino community, right?  If the Democrats fold and provide any funds for this "racist symbol" they will lose not only all of their support, but also the super-woke who were screaming for nothing but Full-Resistance.

So, it happened.  The fateful moment from which there was no coming back from.  Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer put their foot down and demanded an entire litany of things while at the same time giving $0 to go towards Trump's Wall.  There was a lot of back-and-forth and complaints on both sides that neither side was playing fair… I believe The Democrats should have made a large deal and dangled in front of Trump a reasonable amount towards his border wall.  Doing so, I feel that they could have exacted some great concessions that would have been super beneficial (oh, I don't know, paid sick leave for all workers, actual progress on legislation to fix The Dreamer situation for good, migrant worker legislation which would benefit companies and workers, etc.), and they easily could have proven to Trump that they were worth dealing with.  I truly feel that all Trump wanted was something to hang his hat on and to show to his followers that he is the dealmaker they elected him to be, and if the Democrats were the ones to make this dream come true for him I truly believe they would have found a more willing partner to at least attempt to tackle some other things in the future that the majority of Americans could agree were real problems.

But, the Democrats refused, and they shut the government down for over a month.  They actually won this battle, because Trump eventually relented on most of the sticking points and nothing was included in the CR for "The Wall".  But the die was cast.  In the mind of Trump, it was over.  Never again would he even consider doing a deal with the Democrats in any fashion.  From that point on the Democrats were even bigger enemies than before, enemies of the state, and not worthy to even talk to, or be allowed to win any future elections.

I contend that Trump was not ideologically tied to what the Republicans were selling, but just that it fit his particular narrative that he was preaching at the time.  He found a forgotten group of people and he made himself their hero, and now those people form the backbone of the new Republican Party.  For the record, after he got in office I believe he could have been swayed away from taking the country for such a hard right turn.  I still feel he had the potential to not become the president who just focused solely on dividing all of us; giving to his diehard supporters exactly what they wanted all of the time in the mistaken hope that he would get reelected.

It's hard to know how this would have played out and who would have benefited politically from the deal I penned above, but it's hard to see how any alternate agreement would have resulted in an even more contentious future than where we currently find ourselves.  Just look at what comes next in 2018, 2019, and 2020 in our timeline.  Where can we even begin to imagine how things could have turned out worse?

And on top of it all, Trump even loses his reelection, so it didn't even work out for him.  I guess you can say it eventually-sort-of worked out for the Democrats politically since they now hold 2/3 of the executive and legislature, but at what cost to our political discourse, all of the unfixed problems, and at the human cost and the lives lost with all the fighting over COVID?  Surely if we had a more functioning federal government when the pandemic hit would we now be in this dire of a situation with over 1/4 million Americans dead and a very disturbing looking December and January looming in front of us?

Which leads me to Joe, good old drama-free sleepy Joe.  Joe is the right man at the right time to rebuild the important parts of government that Trump took a flamethrower to, the EPA, the FBI, the civilian leadership of the military, the DOJ, and to a limited extent the CDC and the FDA.  It is important to reestablish the partisan-free nature of many of these civilian jobs, and to "build back better" some of the fundamental democratic ideals this last group barely paid lip service to.

However, is Joe the right man (or woman, or other non-binary gendered person) at the right time to actually address the fundamental problems America is facing?  Do we want to just get back to the way things used to be, or should we take a real assessment of where we find ourselves and start to steer this ship the right way?

For example, after the White House is fumigated can we have a serious adult conversation about our dealings with other countries in the world?  We can't pretend that everything Trump did on the international playing field was wrong for America.  Getting NATO members to chip in some more funds to pay their fair share, ending the Isis threat for good, convincing Mexico to take the illegal border crossings seriously, stopping the caravans from Central America, somehow convincing some Middle Eastern countries to normalize relations with Israel, using the threat of tariffs against enemies and friends as a penalty to force a more favorable deal, and like it or not North Korea and Iran are certainly more intimidated against messing with us or our friends.  Now, what it cost us diplomatically to achieve some of these things, I'm sure we will be upset about when we find out, but I don't think it is a good wise move to try to turn all of these things back to where they were in 2016.  Surely we lost some time and some major influence in the affairs of the world, especially looking at the moves China and Russia made during Trump's distracted phase, but just trying to get us back to the beginning shouldn't be the goal.  Yes, we should certainly sign the Paris Climate Agreement, but dealing with Iran and North Korea will require some new thinking.  And don't even get me started on Russia.

Domestically, all Trump really did for us was to make it obvious what our real problems are.  He didn't make much progress to bring back the factory jobs, and his tax cuts certainly didn't do all that much for the average family.  Big business sure loved him and their record profits are quite visible in the nonstop running up of the stock market over these last 4 years.  This, however, simply made the rich richer and didn't do all that much for the rest of us.  The cost of healthcare, childcare, rent, all kept going up and up and wages were just barely starting to creep up before Covid.  People still had to work multiple jobs just to make it, and a higher percentage of the population relied on government programs (like SNAP or Medicaid) just to get by.  We weren't being led into some magical future where jobs were lucrative and plentiful no matter how much the Republicans wish it to be true.

But, what can we learn from the Trump years that will help us in 2021, 2022, and beyond?  Were there any domestic successes where certain populations are now excelling where they once weren't?  Are certain industries returning to American shores due to the policies of the last 4 years?  If so, these should be encouraged to continue and more runway given if they need more assistance to grow.

My point is this: Trump came to Washington to, supposedly, drain the swamp.  What he meant by that, we can only imagine, but surely each one of us recognizes a certain part of the federal government that we totally think is either useless or actively working against the ideals that we want America to be about.  For us, that is the swamp that needs drained, and I think if certain parts were drained appropriately by Trump, let's not waste our time filling it back up when we don't need it or want it.  I fear Joe may have a tendency to want to do just that.

Interstellar (2014) Time Travel

I just came back from the multiplex seeing Interstellar starring Matthew McConaughey, and I was very pleased with the science portrayed in the movie.  For statistical purposes, I am a Christopher Nolan fan and I appreciate most of the movies he makes.  From a pure ratings standpoint, I give it an 8 out of 10, with points off only for some unnecessary heavy-handed drama toward the end which could have been presented in a more natural way IMO.

Beware, spoiler alert.  I am going to attempt to explain my thoughts on a time travel issue  essential to the plot of this movie, so please don't continue reading if you haven't seen it yet (are excited to do so).  If you couldn't give a shit less about seeing it and are just hard up for some meandering thoughts about time-travel paradox resolutions, please continue on since my blog could certainly use some extra views.

Interstellar deals with messages through time, and it falls prey to the classic chicken & egg time-travel paradox most similar-type movies have limited ability to handle.  For instance, if a message is received from a "future" that turns out to be the sole cause for that "future" to even be possible, how did this particular "future" come into existence without the all-important message being received in the original timeline?  In Interstellar, Matthew McConaughey is led to a secret NASA mission to save humankind by certain binary messages he receives in his daughter's bedroom one dust-stormy day.  By him receiving these messages, he is able to do what he needs to do to be in a position to send back an important encoded message to his grown up daughter some 30 years later.  The problem: future Matthew is the one that sends the binary message to original Matthew.  If future Matthew doesn't exist or get there, original Matthew doesn't go to NASA and all of humanity is lost it seems.

This is a problem for a lot of viewers, I am finding out.  However, I believe I found a way for some of it to make more sense (at least in my mind) after pondering it for a few hours, so please let me explain.  We are told in the movie about 2 plans to save humankind, Plan A & Plan B.  Plan A is for current humans to solve a theoretical physics problem with time & gravity to build O’Neill Cylinder-inspired spaceships to take a significant portion of humans off our dying world and hopefully transplant them (eventually) on a Type-M planet in some other galaxy accessible through a newly-discovered wormhole.  Plan B is to simply continue the human race by sending embryos through the wormhole (with a caretaker) to start a colony on an agreeable planet and give up any rescue-plan for earthbound humans.  At the end of the movie (with lots and lots of heavy-handed drama thrown in for good measure), we thankfully find out both Plans worked, it seems, only because future-humans made it possible for the wormhole to exist and for Matthew to find a way to send the all-important messages back through time to himself & his daughter.

I concede that future-humans are necessary for the blackhole "tesseract" Matthew is able to use to send messages through time using gravity waves, as that is the only thing that makes sense.  My contention is that the wormhole was not future-human created and just appeared at a fortuitous time through natural or otherworldly means completely unrelated to Earth's current food predicament.

Ignoring the messages-through-time alternative timeline which we watched over a course of 3 freaking hours, the "original" timeline must have gone like this: Plan B succeeds completely without Matthew McConaughey flying the ship.  Plan A fails with everyone on earth dying.  Remember, they were going to launch anyway even before they met Matthew.  Future-human people (from Plan B) eventually figure out the extra dimensions and the possibility of sending messages through time using gravity waves, so a subset of them create the blackhole "tesseract" to enable a potential human to do this very thing Matthew does in the movie.  They probably had no idea whether it would ever be used or even work, but perhaps they heard about original Earth and Plan A and perhaps some of them wondered if it would be possible to, perhaps at this future point, save some original humans.

Unfortunately, this doesn't solve the future Matthew problem, but perhaps this can be one step closer to having this movie makes more sense.  Thoughts anyone?

Google Wallet Fail

Okay, I ordered one of them new fandangled Google Wallet physical "debit" cards because I wanted to look cool.

It arrived in the mail about 10 days later, and I promptly transferred some money to it from a prepaid VISA rebate card I just received from a drunken PSU purchase I made several months back at Newegg.  I set my purchasing PIN on the Google Wallet website and I went forth into the actual world to convert my virtual Google money into physical goods at the nearest Costco.

Silly me: I had this mistaken belief that since Google is one of the most forefront technologically advanced companies this world has ever known, surely my upcoming transaction at the cash register would go off without a hitch.  Nope, my shiny new Google Wallet physical card is unreadable and the purchase failed.   Of course, the credit card terminal had no problem reading my PNC debit card, but this was no way to impress the cashier.

I left dejected, only to try later that night at a bar.   The cool bartender took my fancy order of Grey Goose & Cranberry and I promptly handed him my Google Wallet card.  He was so impressed, told me this is the first one he's ever seen, and went to swipe my card.  FAIL again.  I curse Google under my breath, and ask the bartender to type in the entire card number to try to process the purchase that way.  Success, but wow what disappointment...

I know the problem: for some reason my magnetic stripe on my new card has lost its magnetism.  Okay, simple enough, I need to cancel the card and order a new one.  Looking on the Google wallet website, I easily find the "Cancel Card" option but it's silent on whether I can easily order a new one after doing so.  So, I call a friendly Google Wallet representative, (855) 492-5538 for those who may be wondering, and I expect to be greeted with the most knowledgeable technologically astute representative of all time.  Silly me: wrong again.  She barely understood the English language (understandable), she wouldn't listen to my clear description of the problem with the magnetic stripe, kept trying to solve a problem I wasn't having, and refused to transfer me to her supervisor when I started to get irate.

During an irritatingly long 5 minutes on hold, she must have finally talked to someone nearby who understood how credit card terminals worked, and told me to cancel the card online and I would then immediately be given the chance to order a new one.  Sheesh!  Why couldn't the website have just told me this to begin with?

Google Glass and the future of technology

Exciting days are ahead for individuals with mobility impairments, especially those who have little use of their hands or arms.  Google is in its final stages of releasing the most technologically advanced augmented-reality accessory this world has ever seen.  It is called Google Glass; a wearable computer that you look through with your right eye that interacts with you and the world around you.

For starters, it will be voice activated to provide information on what you are looking at, it will photograph or record video on your audible command, it will let you stay connected to your social networks all without touching your phone, and it will (most likely) provide a voice-enabled interface to your cell phone to make/receive calls, video calls, text messages, and emails.

This is a game changer, even with the estimated $1500 price tag.  On top of that, Google is going to open up a development platform for people to create their own uses (apps) for this awesome technology.  One project is already underway to use Glass's (expected) eye tracking capability to accelerate and steer an electric wheelchair.  For those of us who have difficulty driving our wheelchairs with muscles that don't work very well, the future looks bright as technology comes to the rescue again.

I encourage you to check out the project on Indiegogo to watch its development and possibly contribute to its success.

Disabled Advantage

According to a recent New York Times article, some people are under the impression that reasonable accommodations, made for people with disabilities to compete in sports  alongside able-bodied competitors, can actually give that disabled individual an unfair advantage.

I have a physical disability and use an electric wheelchair, yet I compete every week in a USBC-Sanctioned bowling league with my team. About five years ago the USBC decided to look into the issue of accommodations for wheelchair users, and to make a set of rules to guarantee the right of individuals with disabilities to compete in bowling leagues and tournaments.

It used to be illegal to propel a bowling ball using anything but your hand, but now the use of rails (stationary, or mounted directly on wheelchairs) or other mechanical aides are allowed. However, just because there is a rule protecting my right, this doesn't necessarily preclude issues I may have with other bowlers who may feel that I have an advantage propelling my ball with my wheelchair instead of my arm.

What I have found is that just about everyone is initially thrilled and encouraging when I roll up onto the lanes with my team and bowl and participate in the activity. However, let's not forget that this is a competitive sport… and when I got good enough to start influencing the skill of my team, and started excelling, some of those same people started more than a few fights claiming that I had an unfair advantage. I have heard accusations of not having to deal with approach stickiness, grip problems, release inconsistencies, and lots of other complaints. However, from my vantage point, able-bodied bowlers still have the advantage because they don't need to deal with wheelchair motor jerkiness, inability to adjust rotation or ball speed or loft, or a myriad of other difficulties I have had to overcome.

When I rolled a 246, was it harder or easier for me to do so than an able-bodied bowler?