I might have a unique perspective because I was pretty heavily involved in the church earlier in my life, and my faith had a profound impact on me throughout my later teens up through my early 30's, but now I find myself totally turned off and would categorize myself as an atheist. Growing up I was very sickly and really struggled with pneumonia and illnesses so I really felt like I was going to live a very short life, and not that great of one. As soon as I tasted the Manna from heaven and started reading the Bible and learning all I could from Christian teachers, I was hooked. I moved off to college and quickly joined The Navigators (a college focused ministry at the time) and it helped shape my next entire decade. After college I got heavily involved with a small local church made friends and led Bible studies and started pursuing other places I could serve.
At the time, for me, my faith seemed to answer the question I thought I was asking in the first portion of my life, namely what is the point of living, especially when life appears to be very short and has the challenges I have, and is there any reason to hope that there is something better than this that awaits me? My walk with Jesus gave me the comfort of having a purpose in this life, and a promised future beyond this life that will be much better than this one. I thought that was all I was asking and all I was needing, and for the better part of 15 years, it was enough.
But, I kept living and I seemed to be more getting stable in my ability to avoid bad illnesses and pneumonia. My life no longer seemed to be ending anytime soon, and I started wanting more with my time here. I wanted things and prayed for things that my God seemed to be deliberately keeping me from. Things like a career, a wife, a family, things that other people just naturally fell into. It took several years, but slowly my faith was starting to wane, especially as I dabbled in some of the fun things this life has to offer, things that were forbidden when a follower of Jesus. Let's just say I waited until my 30s to really start living and to sow my wild oats and it hasn't ended yet :-)
I have tried off and on throughout the years since to try to recapture and get back into the faith I once held, but my entire being rejects it now, almost like an allergic reaction. I know all the answers that anyone ever tries to give me, and I have heard nothing new under the sun that piques my interest to dive back into Scripture. And now, with politics being so intertwined in the mix (which I personally find abhorrent and totally against what Jesus teaches), I am driven further and further away from ever reconsidering where I find myself.
Am I happier now? Yes and no. I am lonelier now, I don't have that friend I can talk to at any moment now, and when terrible things happen I don't have an outlet or a connection to something higher than myself that has the power to change things. I have to rely on myself more and in some ways that gives me agency and focus which are certainly positive traits to have, and it makes me feel good knowing that I can do this on my own. But which one would I choose if I could just snap my fingers and make it happen? If I had to be honest, I would probably choose to go back to the faith. Unfortunately, faith isn't something you can just turn back on, believe me I have tried.
